egg in boiling water

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
Honey, it might take me a while to get hard, i just got laid by a chick.

drink and go to heaven

have you ever?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?'
WELL THEN, YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS...
MY NAME IS ALICE SANTER, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST...
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME...
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME THAT HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO...
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT...
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE...
BUT AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ...
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,'
HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE...
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?'
I ASKED...
HE ANSWERED,
'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!!!'
, I EXCLAIMED...
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, GRAYHAIRED,................ ASKED ME,
　
　
　
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'

Learn from Old Warwick

A man was lost while driving through the country. As he tried to reach for the map, he accidentally drove off the road into a ditch. Though he wasn't injured, his car was stuck deep in the mud. So the man walked to a nearby farm to ask for help."Warwick can get you out of that ditch," said the farmer, pointing to an old mule standing in a field. The man looked at the decrepit old mule and looked at the farmer who just stood there repeating, "Yep, old Warwick can do the job." The man figured he had nothing to lose. The two men and the mule made their way back to the ditch. The farmer hitched the mule to the car. With a snap of the reins, he shouted, "Pull, Fred! Pull, Jack! Pull, Ted! Pull, Warwick!"And the mule pulled that car right out of the ditch.The man was amazed. He thanked the farmer, patted the mule, and asked, "Why did you call out all of those names before you called Warwick?"The farmer grinned and said, "Old Warwick is just about blind. As long as he believes he's part of a team, he doesn't mind pulling."