egg in boiling water

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
Honey, it might take me a while to get hard, i just got laid by a chick.

drink and go to heaven

have you ever?

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
'SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?'
WELL THEN, YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS...
MY NAME IS ALICE SANTER, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST...
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME...
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME THAT HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO...
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT...
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE...
BUT AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL ...
'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,'
HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE...
'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?'
I ASKED...
HE ANSWERED,
'IN 1959. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!!!'
, I EXCLAIMED...
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, GRAYHAIRED,................ ASKED ME,
　
　
　
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'

Learn from Old Warwick

A man was lost while driving through the country. As he tried to reach for the map, he accidentally drove off the road into a ditch. Though he wasn't injured, his car was stuck deep in the mud. So the man walked to a nearby farm to ask for help."Warwick can get you out of that ditch," said the farmer, pointing to an old mule standing in a field. The man looked at the decrepit old mule and looked at the farmer who just stood there repeating, "Yep, old Warwick can do the job." The man figured he had nothing to lose. The two men and the mule made their way back to the ditch. The farmer hitched the mule to the car. With a snap of the reins, he shouted, "Pull, Fred! Pull, Jack! Pull, Ted! Pull, Warwick!"And the mule pulled that car right out of the ditch.The man was amazed. He thanked the farmer, patted the mule, and asked, "Why did you call out all of those names before you called Warwick?"The farmer grinned and said, "Old Warwick is just about blind. As long as he believes he's part of a team, he doesn't mind pulling."

a few quick ones

At the end of our first date the girl told me I was crazy in the head and I
should be committed to a mental institution.
Why do women always want us to make a commitment?
--Unknown
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After the accident, I told the police officer I thought the
driver of the other vehicle was drunk. He told me the other
vehicle was a cow.
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I like to buy women a lot of drinks, not so much to lessen
their inhibitions as to lower their standards.
--Unknown

John and Mary

John and Mary were at the altar to take their vows. The priest asked John: "Wilt thou take this Mary unto your lawfully wedded wife?". John took a long and hard look at Mary and said: " Yes, Father! I wilt".

Some Funny Thoughts Of A Man !!!
Thought 1
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2
The average man's life consists of:
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
and at the end, the mourners wonder the same too.

Thought 3
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, 'If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.' The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, 'Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.' The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. 'Who are you?' 'I am your guardian angel,' the voice answered. 'Oh, yeah?' the man asked 'And where the hell were you when I got married?'

Thought 4
Everyone in the wedding ceremony was watching the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle to give away to the groom. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed some thing in his hand. Everyone in the room was wondering what was given to the father by the bride. The father could feel the suspense in the air and all eyes were on him to divulge the secret and say something. So he announced 'Ladies and Gentlemen today is the luckiest day of my life..' Then he raised his hands with what his daughter gave him and continued, 'My daughter finally, finally returned my credit card to me.' The whole audience including priest started laughing.... ...... But not the poor groom!!!!

the original

Coincidence ?????

Coincidence ?????
Don't know if this is just a sick coincidence but....
2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia.
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian horse racing.
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs around the globe.
Has any one else noticed this???!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets worse........ next year......

2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong???

funny paper clips

chicken story

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock : O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"